From someone who can't lose no matter which candidate wins, a few suggestions:
To Al Gore: Mr. Vice President, I have seen you play touch football, and I have seen the Kennedys play touch football. And you, sir, are no Kennedy. I don't mean to sound harsh here, but were she with us today, Rose Kennedy would beat you like a bass drum one-on-one.
To President-elect Bush: Now I know you think you should be president because you called it first, but you have to understand that national elections are a little different from who gets to ride up front with dad. The smartest thing you could do right now is get the family together and play some touch football. You have been given a huge opening here. Florida is a major football state. If you want to look more presidential to the electorate, show them that, unlike your opponent, you don't run like Dom DeLuise.
To Bush and Gore strategists: The fact that you people have called in Warren Christopher and James Baker shows you don't understand that all secretaries of state are not created equal. Here's the basic difference: State secretaries of the state oversee elections in states. Federal secretaries of state oversee elections in other countries.
To Florida voters: You guys need a new system. Voice votes and a show of hands are getting to be just a bit cumbersome.
To the pundits: There are few things in this world more lame than some over-educated, over-groomed starched shirt trying to sound folksy. So let me just say this about your overuse of the suddenly "in" phrase, "I don't have a dog in this fight." Stop it. "That dog don't hunt."
To the print media: Forget about searching for the cleverest quote on old-time politics and voting. The winner is former Louisiana Gov. Earl K. Long: "When I die, I want to be buried in St. Martin's Parish so I can remain politically active."
(Shea is a columnist for The Courant.)
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