I know Scott Boras is busy getting shortstop Alex Rodriguez his new zillion-dollar contract, but I'm confident when Boras sees my 50-page projection of where my career is going, he'll return that phone call I put in to him Tuesday. After all, I'm an entertainer, not just a journalist. Like A-Rod, I'm also a free agent. And before I write another word, I have a list of demands.
I want Rollerball pens, not those cheesy, office-issued ballpoints we usually get. I want a personal secretary to transcribe my interview tapes. I want a corner office. I want promotional coffee mugs with my picture on them (and I want Newsday to promise they'll always make more mugs for me than Lisa Olson gets over at the New York Daily News). And yo: I want a Newsday private helicopter to shuttle me between games and my crib in the city. When I cover games, I want a private skybox made available to me. And be sure to cater it.
Did I mention I also want to be carried into the stadium on a litter, sort of like Cleopatra, by six personal trainers named Sven? The Svens will fan me with palm fronds as I write and they'll have to make me double lattes when the games begin to drag. And I don't know why anyone would find any of this unreasonable.
There's a risk, of course. I know that. Just look at how mad Mets co-owner Fred Wilpon got when General Manager Steve Phillips dutifully passed on Boras' & A-Rod's contract demands. As everyone reported Tuesday, the laundry list went beyond the $20 million-plus annual salary A-Rod is seeking and demanded perks like -- I'm not making this up -- more billboards than Yankees star Derek Jeter has around the city; an office at Shea Stadium; use of a private jet; the right to pitch a tent at spring training to sell A-Rod merchandise, and the power to interview the Mets' minor-league management to see which direction the team is headed.
(Can't you just see it? A-Rod to Mets' Triple-A manager: "Agbayani ... Agbayani ... Refresh my memory. Was he even with our organization last year?")
Rodriguez also wants an out clause after Year 3 and Year 7 just in case Boras' projection that A-Rod is the second coming of Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb and Mickey Mantle all rolled into one isn't enough to lift the Mets to, say, the World Series. Even though he'd be signing with a team that just went to the World Series.
He wants an escalator clause that will keep him among the top three or so best-paid players in baseball.
But hey, those demands were just the stuff contained on the first 50 pages Boras put together. Crack journalist that I am, sources tell me there's another 50-page wish list of demands. Get a load of these: A-Rod wants the clubhouse showers to spray Evian, not regular tap water. He has sensitive skin.
He wants a Yellow Cab on call at all times. Having to hail one could hurt his throwing arm.
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