Oh, Ozzy Osbourne, what have you done?
Because of you and your family's likability, relatability and humor, your MTV show, "The Osbournes," has been embraced by the public.
It has also opened the door to some of the stupidest and creepiest television since daytime soap operas, infomercials featuring Tony Little and the Dr. Phil show.
This fall, not only will we be subject to more of the "Anna Nicole Smith Show" on E!, but we'll also get to look at the "Liza and David" show on VH1. That's right, Liza, as in Liza Minnelli -- America's favorite giggle-mad, I-live-off-my-mom's-talent, last-relevant-when-disco-ruled 56-year-old. Did anyone else think she was in her 70s? I digress.
Sure she has won an Oscar. So have Marisa Tomei and Mira Sorvino, yet you don't see them trying to hang on to popular culture. No, they gracefully realized that they were one-hit wonders, and we forgave them for their films following their Academy Awards because, hey, everybody needs to pay the bills.
Anyway, we'll get to "Liza and David" in a bit. First let's look at the grotesque, embarrassing train wreck that is the "Anna Nicole Smith Show."
When you watch her show, you watch through your hands. Not because it reveals something embarrassing or true about the humanity in all of us, but because it reveals something discomforting in a woman whose full mental capacity left her years ago. It's like watching someone kill an animal -- you just look away and hope you don't hear the yelps and screams.
I watched an episode once. That is to say, I watched part of an episode and that was enough. There's nothing interesting about her show unless human oddities are your thing. In one scene, she's acts normal, or as normal as I guess she can. In the next she seems to be hopped-up on Valium. Half the show is her slurring through her feelings, which are about as deep as a kiddy pool, but without the excitement of one.
There is absolutely nothing endearing about the former Playboy centerfold and Guess? Jeans model. She whines in a high voice, she flops around and she acts goofy. Oh yeah, and she gives her dead husband's ashes a tour of her house. What the guff?
Whereas the "Anna Nicole Smith Show" is just plain sad, "Liza and David" promises to be just plain odd.
Their show hasn't aired yet, so it can't be panned or praised I suppose. I mean, let's face it, even Michael Bay, who directed that flaccid pile of dog meat named "Pearl Harbor," has to be given the benefit of the doubt sometimes. After the fact is when you can tear them apart.
But wait. Just reading the brief bios on these two and their upcoming show is enough for fodder.
Here's the premise. Minnelli and husband David Gest will welcome cameras to "weekly dinner parties with an eclectic mix of celebrity friends, musicians, actors and actresses, sports heroes, authors and other luminaries in the couple's fabulous Manhattan penthouse, complete with musical performances and unexpected, unguarded moments."
Dear Lord. Read that again, and remember who we're talking about here. This is the couple that had Michael and Tito Jackson as their best men at their wedding. If I'm not mistaken, Michael's monkey, Bubbles, served as the ring-bearing chimp. I think Bubbles also brought cholera with him.
Now imagine a dinner, with guests as eclectic as A-list stars like magician Doug Henning (you know, the mustachioed rainbow guy), KC of KC and the Sunshine Band, superfreak Rick James, boxer Leon Spinx, comedian Rip Taylor and actresses Elizabeth Taylor and Brooke Shields.
It's not so much of a "who's who," of Hollywood, but a "who cares?" Wouldn't you say?
Can anyone relate to Smith or Minnelli? At anytime would you look at their lives and say that they remind you of your own? Of course not. We live in a world closer to the Osbournes, which is mind-blowing in itself. Though their house, family, friends and work is nothing like our own, we share experiences with them because they are, essentially, working-class people.
Minnelli, on the other hand, has never experienced a life that wasn't in the spotlight, so I doubt she will be able to convey a relatable life that anyone will want to watch.
Smith, well, I wish Smith would just go away and E! would be fined for putting that show on the air. It's just not right.
So shame on you, Ozzy Osbourne and family, for creating a new popular culture phenomenon with a bandwagon to follow, one that won't be stopping with Anna Nicole Smith or Liza and David.
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