Reducing the loneliness of dying

Terry Prettyman sat next to an elderly woman, holding her hand and making small talk while she was in the final stages of life.

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Comforting people on the verge of death is something Prettyman feels called to do.

"It's just something I do," he said nonchalantly.

No one deserves to die alone. That's the premise behind Abiders Ministry, a volunteer program at Bethany and Woodland Good Samaritan Villages.

It's not uncommon for nursing home residents who are near death to be without family close by or to have no living family at all. Sometimes family members need a break from sitting at their loved one's bedside for what could be days at a time. When one of these residents nears the end of their life, nursing home chaplains call upon the Abiders to sit with them.

"Our staff loves the Abiders," said the Rev. Barb Christenson, chaplain at Woodland. "It bothers them to know a patient is dying and they can only check on them every 15 minutes."

Terry Prettyman volunteers with Woodland Good Samaritan Village's Abiders Ministry, where he helps comfort dying people. Abiders volunteers often talk, pray, play music and hold hands with patients on the brink of death. Brainerd Dispatch photo illustration/ Nels Norquist » Purchase reprints of this photo.

Abiders are volunteers who comfort dying nursing home residents.

"I wasn't born alone and I don't want to die alone," Christenson said, discussing the passages in and out of life. "We've never died before and the unknown presents anxiety."

The Rev. Lilja Behr, chaplain at Bethany Good Samaritan Village, said only a small number of patients prefer to be alone when they die. Staff members try to be sure a resident's preferences and requests are granted whenever possible.

Both Behr and Christenson are convinced people who don't have hearing problems can hear what's going on around them, even when they appear unresponsive. They believe music and prayer help to calm people at the end of life.

Abiders are called in to accompany residents when they're close to death, usually as many as three days prior. Volunteers rotate shifts 24/7, but aren't frequently called upon. Woodland has used 23 volunteers for 22 patients from the program's start in June 2005 to July 2007.

Prettyman, an Abider volunteer at Woodland for the last two years, has volunteered about 73 hours with the program. He prefers taking the night shifts where he stays up all night, reading the Bible and holding hands with the patient.

"It's been rewarding to see the different aspects of someone on the verge of death," he said.

Prettyman, 56, sat with his own father when he was dying of cancer and when he left the room for a moment his father died, he said. It was that experience that helped prepare him to become an Abider.

"It's a dignified thing to sit with somebody," he said. "I'll keep doing it as long as I can, until I need (the Abiders)."

Behr and Christenson said it takes a certain type of person to volunteer with the Abiders Ministry. They have to be comfortable with death and the dying process, compassionate and calming.

"You don't pick this ministry, it chooses you. It's a calling," Behr said.

Maryon Aulie, formerly of Crosby and now a resident of the Woodland independent living apartments, is a retired nurse with hospice experience. Now 85, Aulie has volunteered about 55 hours with Abiders.

"In 35 years of nursing I've been welcoming new lives, as babies or to the new life after death," she said. "It's rewarding, a special time to be with someone."

Aulie usually takes daytime shifts that are two to four hours long. While at someone's bedside she said she usually prays for the resident to have a peaceful death, and comforts them by reading, talking and holding their hand.

"Personal touch is very special to somebody that's terminal," she said, because it helps them know there's someone beside them.

Both Woodland and Bethany provide training for Abiders volunteers. They go through a 14-page manual that discusses the do's and don'ts of comforting residents on the verge of death. Abiders don't provide any medical care, it is left up to the nursing staff.

Woodland has a 42-bed nursing home and 21 Abiders volunteers while Bethany, a 152-bed nursing home, has about 10 Abiders.

Gary Peterson, 71, is one of the few Abiders at Bethany. With an Army background, he feels comfortable volunteering with the Abiders Ministry.

"I spent two tours in Vietnam. I'm not squeamish being around people who are dying," he said.

Peterson has several volunteer roles at Bethany, including planning Sunday morning church services.

"It's the best thing in Christian life that's ever happened to me," he said of volunteering.

For more information on the Abiders Ministry, contact Christenson at Woodland at 855-6626, or Behr at Bethany at 829-1407.

HEIDI LAKE may be reached at heidi.lake@brainerddispatch.com or 855-5879.