Memo: From network to all ABC executives.
Subject: Top 10 reasons why we shouldn't feel embarrassed about our secret, failed scheme to lure David Letterman from CBS and give Ted Koppel's "Nightline" the boot.
(10) -- Despite his thatch of hair, Koppel is getting too old. It's probably a wig anyway.
(9) -- Our advertisers tell us we should be attracting a younger audience to that time slot. Who'd buy a beer or a car from Koppel?
(8) -- Koppel couldn't crack a joke if his life depended on it. The fact that he got mad at us proves he can't even take a joke.
(7) -- We're owned by Disney so it's OK to be Mickey Mouse.
(6) -- Ignore critics who say we should have anticipated the backlash. We're TV executives, not rocket scientists.
(5) -- It doesn't matter that we've damaged the morale of the news division. Our own morale is always low.
(4) -- We're in a business so it's all right to give people the business.
(3) -- We've been accused of being unscrupulous. When ratings are down, we can't afford scruples.
(2) -- Some say we owe the public something just because we're licensed by the government. They should get a life.
(1) -- Our only responsibility is to the bottom line. And the bottom line is SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!
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