SALT LAKE CITY -- I swear on my Olympic media credential that I will not write about figure skating or anything to do with figure skating again -- and this includes ice dancing -- after Monday night.
But given that skating czar Ottavio Cinquanta, who has been on TV more this week than Bob Costas, held yet another news conference Monday, this one to announce a new scoring system for judges that should guard against cheating, I figured I owed it to you to come up with a scoring system of my own.
For example, any man who clutches a stuffed animal in the kiss and cry area while waiting for the judges' scores automatically has two-tenths of a point deducted from his total.
Any man who reminds me of Fabio, Milli or Vanilli is automatically penalized three-tenths of a point.
Any man whose costume includes chiffon loses two-tenths of a point.
And if I can't tell which of the two is the male ice dancer, we go to a seven-tenths of a point deduction.
If the woman hoists the man, deduct two-tenths of a point.
If you have to re-start your routine because the plume of your costume, which is longer than the train on a bride's wedding gown, gets caught in your partner's buttons, not only should a full point be deducted, but there should be a limo waiting to take you to the airport the moment the dance ends. I'm not making any of this up. A woman named Marie-France Dubreuil wore an outfit that made her look like a giant Christmas present. She got stuck, somehow, which made the music out of sync with the performance, and they got to start over.
And some of you people insist on calling this a sport?
This is worse than, "The Dog Ate My Homework."
Vince McMahon could be the commissioner of ice dancing.
Clearly there is no penalty for tastelessness. A French couple, the woman with her hair died hot orange and the man looking like he was dropped from a pirate ship, skated with the voice of Dr. Martin Luther King in the background, including the "I Have a Dream" speech.
There's something I don't understand here: The Olympics has resisted ballroom dancing, but ice dancing is OK? Ice dancing is in, but no bowling in the Summer Olympics?
Anything that allows competitors to kiss on the lips ain't sports. Even Isiah Thomas and Magic Johnson had the good sense to kiss each other on the cheek; they knew where to draw the line.
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