Having watched four NFL games, some pro basketball, some college basketball, some golf and the Golden Globes over the last few days, I am very confused.
Did Ray Lewis borrow that outfit from one of the babes on "Sex And The City"?
Seriously, did you see what Ray was wearing at the postgame news conference following the Ravens' loss to the Steelers? It was an enormous, gray fur coat. It was so lifelike that quite possibly Ray was actually wearing a live ostrich on his back. Furthermore, Ray was wearing a black skullcap, and the total effect was so theatrical that Ray looked like Carol Channing in "Hello, Dolly" after a wig had been ripped from her head.
Ray, sweetheart, who's your tailor, Bjork?
As long as we're on the subject of who's who, who's the Steelers' team physician, Dr. Vinny Boombatz? Is this for real -- the team physician goes to give Jerome Bettis a pain-killing shot before the game, and jabs him in a nerve so Bettis' leg goes numb for five hours? Talk about being out where The Bus doesn't run! Can you imagine the size of the malpractice suit against this doctor had the Steelers lost that game?
You know how badly you have to miss to hit a nerve? Who gave Bettis the shot, Elvis Grbac?
Nice call by offensive genius Brian Billick, huh? Here's who Billick brought in to be his quarterback the last three seasons: Scott Mitchell, Stoney Case, Tony Banks and Grbac. Here's who Billick booted out the door to get Elvis: Trent "All I Do Is Win" Dilfer. If Billick had kept Dilfer, Baltimore would still be playing. What's Billick's next book going to be called, "I'm Still The Smartest Guy In The Room, But Now I Appear To Be The Only Guy In The Room"?
Excuse me for a second.
Hey, Favre, that's the sixth ball that whizzed by my head here. Do I look like I'm wearing green and gold? Try throwing to your guys, okay?
How about that NBC pregame basketball roundtable with Jayson Williams and Pat Croce? Who do these two dopes think they are, Horshack and Barbarino? They sit there cracking each other up, high-fiving. Does it ever occur to them they're the only ones laughing? And what is Mike Fratello doing on that show? He sits there like a lawn ornament.
By the way, how many Wizards games did NBC sign on for now that Michael Jordan is back in the NBA? Because that fiasco the other day against the Bulls was horrifying. Was it me or did that game last longer than World War II? Nobody could make a shot, not even M.J. At halftime they should have given the Bulls seeing-eye dogs.
Hold on a second.
Darn, it's the Glazers again. Hey, I told you guys, I don't have any more numbers for Bill Parcells. Where do you go from here, Bud Grant? Chuck Noll? I don't want to say you guys have egg on your faces, but all you need is a side order of home fries and you'd be a Grand Slam Meal.
Okay, I'm back.
You see the golf? You see Mickelson, on the first hole of OT, throw a wedge to six inches? The guy has the best short game since Eddie Gaedel. That's 20 tour victories for Phil now; he owns California and Arizona. How many of those 20 do you think he'd trade for one major? Um, how about 20?
Okay, can I get a show of hands? How many of you want to drive up to Montreal for Opening Day so we can get closer to Our Expos? It's not like there won't be tickets available. Major League Baseball's official policy regarding the Expos' starting times this season is, "When can you be there?" I say we hold a "Bring Home An Expo" game. We get in a bus, we go up to Montreal, we buy tickets, we walk onto the field (who's gonna stop us, Frank Robinson?), we hand our favorite Expo a sandwich and we take him home with us, like a stray dog.
Tony, how can you wait this long before commenting on the most controversial thing of the whole weekend, The Immaculate Deception in New England?
Let me see if I've got this straight.
I am typing a column. And toward the end of the column I spell a word incorrectly.
The word is "better." I end up spelling it "butter." So the sentence reads: "It was a far, far butter thing than I have ever done." (Like I was writing for Pound Cake Weekly.)
Obviously, I have fumbled. I look like an idiot.
The editors gather around to strip me of my column and proclaim me a total loser.
Except there's an arcane rule in The Washington Post Stylebook that says: "If at any time during the typing of a column my fingers are pressing downward, however slightly, then even if I have misspelled a word, I am entitled to re-spell that word without penalty."
What a gift!
Do you sense where this is going?
Here's where it's going: 72 hours later I still can't stomach that call in the New England game. It was a great game. Both sides played remarkably well in terrible conditions. But Tom Brady fumbled. Charles Woodson hit him, Brady fumbled, Raiders recover, ballgame over.
If the refs called "incomplete pass" right there on the field, fine. But to call "fumble," then reverse it on replay because of a legal technicality -- come on, this isn't a violation of the search and seizure laws.
Don't hide behind some rule. Use your common sense. The world saw Brady fumble. He wasn't trying to pass the ball. He was trying to tuck the ball down. You know it. I know it. Tom Brady knows it. Heck, Marcia Brady knows it.
The Raiders got hosed. They went cross country, into oppressive weather, and outplayed the Patriots. They won that game. It doesn't matter what the rule says. The rule is insane, and it shouldn't have been applied. The rule is going to be gone next season -- erased from the book as if it never existed. What are you going to tell the Raiders then, "Thanks for coming, and don't forget to tip your waitress"? Whaddya tell Al, "Just Wait, Baby"?
I know exactly what I'm going to say the next time I get a traffic ticket. "Hey, my arm was going forward." Maybe it'll work for me, too.
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