Once upon a time, 40 years ago when I began my teaching career as a band director:
Parents made their children behave. No more.
Parents would tell me at conferences that if they (their children) got in trouble at school they would be in “double trouble” at home. No more.
Parents would verify what their children were telling them at home with the teacher. No more.
Parents would “thank” the teacher for disciplining their children.
No more.
Parents made their children apologize to the teacher when they falsely blamed the teacher for something that wasn’t true. No more.
Dads didn’t abdicate, to the mothers, their part of the child-rearing equation. No more.
Students wouldn’t threaten a teacher if he/she was disciplined. No more.
Students wouldn’t “quit” if demands and expectations were “too high.” No more and today parents let them “quit,” in droves.
Students wouldn’t scrawl all over the bathroom wall that “I am going to kill Mr. Femling on March 27” because he was disciplined the day before. Believe it. It happened.
Students, high on meth, wouldn’t pull a hunting knife on a teacher. No more. That teacher was me. I disarmed him after a two-hour discussion. He was then arrested. Believe it.
Elementary and junior high students wouldn’t falsely accuse a teacher of “sexual” advances. No more and many parents buy into these lies and deceptions.
Good students would tell the teacher, in private, what kind of disciplinary “sabotage” was being planned by disruptive students so the teacher could predict and prevent problems. No more.
Good students would tell the teacher, in private, what transpired and who was responsible for disruptive acts.
No more. Snitching is “taboo.”
Fathers (yes, in general) would “lay down the law,” stopping bad behavior on the “seat of our pants.” Then we were taught to say “Yes sir,” with respect, before sitting in the “big chair” to think about our actions for one, two or three hours, depending on the infraction. Only then would we “politely” ask, with a “smile” on our face, if we could get up and play. No more.
God help our society as we relinquish control over our children. The U.S. will pay, sooner rather than later.
Don’t blame the teachers anymore, please. If you, as parents, can’t handle one, two or three of your own children imagine what it’s like to handle and educate 25 to 80 (bands and choirs) students in a classroom.
The moral of this story: Discipline your children before they go “back to school.” Learning, playing and working “together” will, once again, be a fantastic experience.
BRUCE FEMLING is a retired band instructor with 35 years in education, including time at both Aitkin and Crosby. He is a Baxter resident.
Comments (33)
Add commentDiscipline
Perhap modern parents would be more likely to discipine their children if the liberal teachers in the schools would be a little more clear with the kids in the classroom the difference between discipline and child abuse.
Thank you
Thank you, Mr Femling, for stepping up to the plate and telling it like it is. You are so right on. The degree of disrespect displayed by children is overwhelming. I witness it at my job in children of all ages. It is evident that discipline is absent and makes me wonder where these children will end up.
On the flip side, I see many young people who know how to show respect and are well behaved....and it gives me hope. But, they seem to be the minority.
Discipline needs to be returned to parents and our schools.
Bring back the paddle. Bring back consequences.
Bring back discipline and respect.
yamomma
Absolutely!!!
Anyone who is shocked by the
Anyone who is shocked by the reasonable descriptions by Mr. Femling hasn't been walking around with their eyes open. Far too many children are being raised as self-indulgent marshmallows.
This is not a
This is not a republican/democrat issue, a conservative/liberal issue or a pro-public education/ anti-public education issue. This is a parenting and societal issue. Those of you who do not see this should really look around at what is happening with our young people and their sense of entitlement. I see it in children of both republicans and democrats, and it really has nothing to do with the political leaning of their teachers either. Mr. Femling hit it right on the head.
eyeball
The "repubbies" don't have to destroy public education. It is increasingly showing its irrelevance in the modern world and effectively destroying itself. The movement toward alternatives is gradually picking up steam.
Mr Femling has the backbone and intellect
to say how things really are, rather than submitting to society and cowering to their expectations.
There comes a time, and that time is now, for parents to start once again punishing, training, teaching and LOVING their children enough to do so. This crap where kids have rights has gone miles and miles too far, any parent with a molecule of common sense should know that you are in charge, and not vice versa.
Society has stupidly told parents how to raise their kids, and its time that this "hands off" policy is filed under "social practices that failed" and parents realize that they are destroying Americas future by not punishing and reprimanding kids for their actions.
"they are turning out OK...I
"they are turning out OK...I think"
What?
Amen 352 Cubes!
Amen 352 Cubes!
>>There is only one word I
>>There is only one word I disagree with: for me "punishing" carries a negative connotation, as in parents that lash out and abuse their kids out of anger.
Punishment does not connote lashing out in anger or abusing children. It merely indicates mature parents who understand that punishment has a role to play in helping children learn to discipline themselves and care for others.
Gold star for Graydo.
Gold star for Graydo.
Well said Mr. Femling
I was a student of Mr. Femling and learned respect in his classroom. I was one of those students who would be in "double trouble" when I got home if I had gotten into trouble at school. I have a child in jr high and three more coming behind him and I work hard to raise my children to have the same respect and good behavior that I was taught to have by teachers like Mr. Femling and my parents. I work with high school youth and agree whole-heartedly with Mr. Femling about the major shift that has happened in attitudes and values, even only one generation from my own high school days. It is a tragedy to the youth we are producing and is having a negative outcome on work ethic and overall norms and values. Parents are doing their children no justice in giving them a free pass on the difficulties of life and shielding them from consequences and disappointments. I know there are still educators and administrators who share the values of Mr. Femling and I support them fully and will continue to teach my children to do the same. Thank you, Mr. Femling for the years of dedicated service you gave our communities and for sharing this very real plea to the families of our current and future young people!!!!
Offended !
Mr. Femling - I am offended by your generalization that all students are bad and "out to get you". Offended in your portrayal that all parents are worthless.
You retired from teaching 6 years ago! When was the last time you where in a classroom.
I take offense in your maligning of students as a whole. All my children have enjoyed band (some of them even had you) and still enjoy band. Those still in high school are sorry to see the much beloved Mr. Aulie retire this year, and will miss him as the new school year starts.
You owe an apology to the teachers and students as a whole who know how to show respect and integrity for each other on a daily basis in the classroom. Those who have a love for learning and teaching.
Disipline
I have to say I so agree with your column. I was one of the students that always let the teachers know what was going on.
Im also though a parent of four children. I was watched the schools turn children into these little reporters of child abuse, sexual harassment. I am not able to discipline my children the way I think they should due to they holler child abuse and then call the police. Then you get thrown out of your home due to the police are called so many times.
Yes I do have to agree that the children now days are out of control. But I also feel that the school system has had something to do with this. Yes there are children out there that need to be protected due to they are very abused. There are children out there that have been sexually abused as well. But our rights as parents have been lost. I see parents being taken over by there children and there is not a darn thing they are able to do about it. I would like to defend the Parent that is working hard to bring up the child that is so unruly and not able to do anything about it.
This is my opion but I think that SOCIETY needs to wake up. These children are going to be running this country some day. We the older generation are going to be at there hands someday and then what.
look at england
we are almost there too-uncontrolled trash,self indulgant,criminal and on welfare! this diversity thing only breeds crime and welfare!
Eye, I used the parental
Eye,
I used the parental control on the TV and blocked MSNBC, and my kids turned out GREAT!
Some parents do try
I went to Aitkin. I grew up there. I was class of 98.
As a parent I have tried very hard to teach my children to respect all adults, no matter if the adult is wrong, they are an adult and that means you respect them.
Do I make my child behave like my parents did with us? No. I am easier on them. I won't rule with an iron fist. We use to hear "children are to be seen and not heard". I feel there is a right time and place for this. My children behave VERY well in public.
My kids do get in "double trouble" if they get into trouble anywhere. I don't ask what happened, I ask what did you do? I feel the schools are too easy on the kids. My son got into trouble as school and I wanted a harder punishment from the schools end (it was nothing more than a slap on the wrist) and they refused. I made him write letters to apologize. He got into trouble (nothing would have ever come of it) because I did call to verify his story.
My husband is very much the final word in our house. I do take more of a stand than my mother did. We are more equals than my parents were but we all know at the end of the day Dad is in charge. I will call him into a situation (when he gets home) if I feel I can't handle it or to hammer a point home. He will "lay down the law" but he does it with much thought and love. He comes up with the BEST punishments. We don't hit our kids as a punishment. We take away things. We make them do manual labor.
As for the sexual advances issue, you really can't be sure of anyone anymore. God gave women hair on the back of their necks for a reason, when it goes up we should listen.
We monitor TV. We feel most of the programs out there are horrible. My husband won't even allow Spongebob. PBS is our main program.
I make our children hold doors open for people and to get up if an adult walks in and give them your seat. My kids do know to use Sir and Ma'am-not often enough though. I will be working on this now.
My point, there are some good parents out there today (ones you had a hand in molding). We do try but there is a lot out there today that tells kids it is okay to behave poorly. This problem isn't just parents. I feel that if everyone stood up and said "no, you can't act that way" to the kids around them we would be sitting better now. I do stand up to kids in public (at the mall without parents) and tell them to behave. If my kids are wrong I would want someone to tell them to knock it off. Teachers do need to be backed up by the parents but teachers need to have a backbone.
Your comments did sting a little. You should think before you speak. I know a lot of great kids out there.
I see many good comments on here, and it is rewarding to see it
It is very easy to generalize about the "current state of affairs" with regard to kids and how they act in public, school, etc. and I can see by reading the comments that there are some very good and intelligent parents here.
The problem society has is that there are very many not good and very many (read: VERY MANY) unintelligent parents that are lazy, slothlike, and frankly, disturbing to see that "society DID let them procreate" type parents.
It takes a village to raise a child, and it's time that America put its heart and soul back into raising our future leaders, vs letting them be latchkey kids that have the run of their lives from 5 on up. The well-being of America depends on these kids, literally, to pick up the ball and run with it in 20 yrs. Let's all admit that we CAN do better and our kids deserve better!
Perhap modern parents would
Perhap modern parents would be more likely to discipine their children if the liberal teachers in the schools would be a little more clear with the kids in the classroom the difference between discipline and child abuse.
Well, Dean, perhaps "modern parents" should not leave it up to schools to teach the difference between discipline and child abuse. Perhaps they should teach that at home.
My kid played the "abuse" card once when she was slapped for saying, "I hate you." I called her bluff and offered to dial the phone for her. Then I preceded to tell her what would happen if she wanted to make that call; that SHE would be removed from the home and sent to live with a foster family who would NOT be providing music lessons, riding lessons, pets, vacations and other fun activities. And that she would probably be expected to clean up after herself, and help with family chores. I told her if she thought that sounded like a better deal than what she had at home, I would be glad to drive her in and drop her off at social services. Neither she, nor the other kids have ever played that card again.
This is not a school issue. This is an issue where PARENTS need to take back control. Stop allowing schools, social services and children to tell you how to raise your kids. There is a difference between a spanking and a beating. There is a difference between delivering appropriate punishment for the offence and losing control. If you are not wise enough to know when you are crossing the line, you should not be raising children. We should never prey upon those smaller and weaker for our own delight. True discipline hurts the heart of the parent and the bottom of the child at the same time.
Here's how things have
Here's how things have changed...
When I was in Jr. High there was a teacher who grabbed a kid who smarted off to him by the collar. He whipped him around got him by the throat or shoulders and slammed his back into the lockers. Then the teacher looked him in the eye and laid down the law. Then it was over.
The kid didn't go home and tell his parents what happened because he knew his parents would side with the teacher and dish out some additional punishment for smarting off in the first place.
Then something happened. If a teacher so much as lays a finger on a child, the kid goes home and tells his parents who immediately call the school and tell them, "You will never touch my child again or I will sue you." They don't even bother to find out what the kid did wrong in the first place. Now the kid has the idea that NO ONE can touch him, correct him, punish him. He can do whatever he wants with no negative consequences. The adults stopped backing each other up and guess what, they handed over the reins to the children. It's not going to be easy to get them back.
Okey
I have had the police at my house 3 times. I was always lucky enough to get an officer who knew the difference. My younger brother was actually arrested. The judge threw the case out and then my brother spent the next year having to deal with Social Services.
My wife took a different tact. She told the kids if they call the police on her, they better call an ambulance at the same time because if she was going to jail, she would make it worthwhile!
Eyolf
Your dictionary postings are at war with your other postings. Entertaining but unenlightening except as to your proclivities.
Children and Parents
Go to your local WalMart, or the mall, or whereever. See how the children are all over the place while mom and dad look elsewhere! Says it all.
Check this out...
violentflashmobs.com
Well said
Bravo, Mr. Femling.
Thank you mr. fleming's I
Thank you mr. fleming's I hope alot of parents finally can open there eye and really see what's going on. All I have ever wanted from students is RESPECT!!! What happened to just please and thank you.
Dean
Dean,
I like the way your wife thinks.