The Bucket List. These days everyone has one….or sung about one …or watched a movie about one. I don’t so much have a Bucket List as an Anti-Bucket List. There are the things I’ve decided I never ever have to do again – and you can’t make me.
These are the top 5 items on my Anti-Bucket List:
1: Camping. I’m not a fan of sleeping in a paper-thin tent, in a musty sleeping bag, swatting skeeters and picking the sand off of whatever was just grilled over an open flame. It was fun when I was 10. Now? Not so much. And I get that camping is big business and some folks have spent a lot of money on what amounts to a home on wheels with Bose surround sound and big screen TVs. It doesn’t make sense to me to drive to the wilderness to spend time in a cracker-box version of a real house. But then it also never made sense to me to drive into the wilderness to spend time in a tent with no plumbing but a good supply of spiders. If I’m not sleeping at home, I want to be where there is a pool, plumbing and room service.
2: Eating Tuna: In any form. I still gag at the memory of sandwiches Mom tried to pass off as “chicken”. They had that bottom of the fish tank flavor and aroma that is pretty undeniable. A friend once tried to convince me the canned stuff was inferior to delicious fresh tuna. Ok, I’ll give it a whirl. Nope. My friends know I’m not a huge fan of any kind of fish or seafood and pretty much for the same reason. It doesn’t matter if it’s prepared with Great Grandma’s secret recipe or by a 5 star chef. Still don’t like it and I am fine with that - more for the rest of you. (Two thumbs up)
3: Mowing the Lawn. I’ve seriously considered ripping up all of the grass in the back yard and installing Astroturf. I really don’t like mowing the lawn. I get hot; there are bugs, doggie lawn ornaments, those worm things dripping off the trees in the spring. I have decided that one of the little perks I can give myself at this point in my life is to just hire the mowing done. Hey Snow Brothers….I’m waiting for your flyer titled “Lawn Brothers”. Man, that stuff grows fast….seriously….would Astroturf work?
4. Dirty Diapers: The Grandkids are rolling in and with them come the inevitable diaper blow-outs. Wet diapers are easy, but I am happy to take a pass on dealing with the messy ones. I put in my time when my kids were little, thank you very much. I’ve managed to almost completely avoid doodie duty for the past 4 years. It’s a whole lot of fun to hand a smelly child back to its mother and say “Your turn, give it back when it smells better.” Grandmotherhood redefined.
5. Garage Sales: My dad is somewhat of a legend in the family for his garage sale skills – and that’s not necessarily a good thing. I’m not sure anyone could ever do what he did. That man could sell anything and everything – and frequently did. The new coat mom just bought with the tags still on it? Two dollars. My entire box of vintage Barbie Dolls (plus accessories)? A buck. The vacuum cleaner from my garage that someone had plugged with cedar chips? Twenty dollars. We lost count of the times these words were heard “Dad! I don’t think you’re supposed to sell that. It’s brand new!” I remember the shocked look on some little girls face as I ripped my Barbies out of her hands and stormed back into the house. Or my panicked phone call to Mom asking if she really intended to sell the coat she had just picked up at Crazy Dayz. Hey, he was just trying to be accommodating. Someone would come in asking if he had any ____ to sell? And he’d just dig around until he came up with something. It sort of never occurred to him that anything still in a closet, box or bin wasn’t necessarily up for sale.
So there you have it, my anti-bucket list. It makes me smile every time knowing that I'll never have these things again...with fingers crossed.