Lies We Tell Our Children | BrainerdDispatch.com | Brainerd, Minnesota

Lies We Tell Our Children

Monsters under the bed...  Calvin & Hobbes
Calvin & Hobbes
Monsters under the bed...

I know I did it to my kids…and now I’m watching my daughter do it to hers. Those little white lies that don’t really seem to harm anything. I suppose we could get into an ethical debate about whether lying is ever acceptable, but sometimes the things I would tell my kids would cause hours of endless amusement – at least for me. The lifelong damage I did to them is fair game for what my parents (and grand parents) did to me. Pay it forward, right?

Monsters Don’t Live Under the Bed: Or do they? Come…admit it…even at the ripe old age of You-really-should-know-better-by-now…do you allow hands or feet to hang over the edge of the bed? I don’t. No way, not even near the edge. Why? Because the logical part of me knows there are no monsters under the bed…but Grandpa told me there were. Do I really want to risk hanging a limb over the bed just to have something scary grab me? Oh no…Not going there.

That Spider is more afraid of you than you are of it: Riiiiight. That spider is a killer, stalking me. I see him, hanging out by clinging to the ceiling or ducking under a door frame. He is like the mafia - things will end badly for me if I kill him. An alternate scenario is that I allow said spider to live by flicking him away….and he runs and tells his posse and they descend upon me en-mass. Suddenly it’s like a scene out of Arachnophobia. A hybrid of this situation happened just the other night. A HUGE spider crawled up over the arm of my rocking chair. He scared the daylights out of me, so I flicked him (while screaming like an 8 year old). He landed in front of the dog - who ate him. Ack! I’m doomed….

If you push your bellybutton your legs will fall off: Now that’s just plain funny. My daughter told me she was 5 before she figured out I wasn’t serious. That might explain a few things.

School lunches are GREAT! Hahahaha…..no they’re not. Well….they weren’t when I went to school. This is where I earned my extreme aversion to canned peas, fish sticks and sauerkraut. It’s been a few years (read: decades) since I’ve had a school lunch. Perhaps they’ve improved?

Garter Snakes can’t hurt you: Oh yes they can! Wanna know how? Well…it starts when someone is dumb enough to get within 30 feet of me with a snake. Then my fight-or-flight reflex kicks in. Newsflash: Fight loses every time to flight. The ensuing retreat is a take-no-prisoners approach to getting as far away as quickly as possible and I don’t care who or what is in my way. You WILL be mowed over in my desperation to reach safety. Last fall a snake made its way into my garage and fell asleep. Apparently my high pitched scream didn’t wake him. I managed to get into my car and back out of the garage without running over him. He finally woke up when I closed the garage door. Stoopid thing sure took his time meandering out to the garden. Great. Now I’m afraid of my garden.

This will just pinch a bit: No it won’t. It’s going to hurt and I’m going to hate the person in the white coat. In what universe does that equate to a bee sting?

We’re out of Cheetos: Oh come on…who hasn’t used this a time or two hundred? I’ve seen this used in a variety of situations from trying to get the kids to eat healthier (the morally superior excuse) to those who are trying to get the little buggers to bed. Doesn’t matter what the food is. Ice cream, Cheerios, ice water… Even though the pantry is fully stocked, you’re “out”. Wink wink.

We’ll be there in a few minutes: We once drove all the way to Florida using this line to keep the kids from throwing a mutiny and bouncing off the minivan walls. Hahahaha….fun trip. Important Note: This one doesn’t work on the drive home cuz now they know better.

So there you have it. A glimpse into some of the awful things that I was told or that I told my kids. All in all my children seemed to have survived the deception with a decent sense of clarity albeit with some of the same paranoia’s. Like I said earlier…just paying it forward.